There is good in the world

On my way to work this morning I passed a homeless man sleeping on the ground. It was a fairly warm day but still he was wrapped tightly in his ratty sleeping bag, a bunch of empty cans at his feet and a crushed styrofoam cup in front of him to catch any deposited change. As he slept an elderly Asian couple walked up to him. They looked at him, spoke for a moment in hurried Mandarin and quickly pulled a bag of buns out of a small plastic sack they were carrying with them and placed it tenderly next to his head. Then off they scurried to do good elsewhere I suppose.

In case you were wondering - there's good in the world

Hedwig? Is that you?

My favorite rock musical of all time is not "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". "It is not Jesus Christ Superstar". It is not "Godspell" or "The Wiz" although I'm sure they have their fans and followers. No, my taste runs to the more modern. I love and adore "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." It's loud, colourful, over the top and full of drag queens! God I love Drag Queens...

Anyway, Hedwig is the story of a young boy who escapes from East Berlin before the wall comes down by getting a sex change to marry his American GI boyfriend and escape to the States. However his surgery is botched and he's left with neither female or male genitalia but instead a 1 inch mound of flesh that he lovingly refers to as his "Barbie Doll Crotch" or his "Angry Inch". Upon arriving in the States his GI husband abandons him. To satisfy her soul Hedwig starts a rock band, writing songs about her experiences and tribulations. There's a love story involving a thieving Rock Star as well...but that's the gist of it.

I bring this up because as I was walking through the subway system today when I saw this ad for H&M posted on the wall:
It was about 8 feet high and I'm awfully little so the first thing I noticed was her crotch. It's a "Barbie ]Doll Crotch" They airbrushed out her bits. I can understand that they are trying to advertise the bikini bottoms, but the pose is awkward looking. The girl looks like plastic...and her crotch...oh her crotch...

Let me show you what I mean:

I know it's a crappy shot but if you click on the image it will enlarge it for you. But am I wrong? Even if they had lazered out her furry bits, which I'm sure they did, something still looks very wrong After I took it a small elderly Asian man accosted me for being a tool of the media. "They get you how they can!" He screamed at me as he shook his walking stick.

To celebrate the Barbie doll crotch here's a clip from Hedwig singing about her Angry Inch in a triumph of fury and sound.

He's Still Waiting!

I was looking to start a new game of Lexulous on Facebook, but who should show up on my listings but "Sexy Scrabble" Shaun. He's still looking for some hot ladies to chat with although now he's starting to get desperate:

I will tell you where all the naughty women are Shaun. They are not playing Lexulous. I think it would be rare to find a woman who is simultaneously turned on by Scrabble and Dirty Talk. Just go to a porn site like everyone else.

Because of Shaun I am now starting to into all the other search listing descriptions with a filth filter. Like Bruce's "stimulating" game. Bruce, I don't want to stimulate you unless you are willing to pay off my student loans.

I love Sarah Jane too

Short films usually aren't great. They generally are made by students and feature bad acting, worse special effects and over ambitious plots. This is not one of those films. This is the opposite of that. This is delight wrapped in awesomeness and chocolate covered with a sprinkling of ZOMBIES!

Check it out. It's 11 minutes long and because of swearing and violence probably NSFW.

New Job

I just got a new gig working at a liquor store. I've been working there for about 2 weeks now and I'm enjoying it so far. It's in a nice area of town and so I'm not too worried about getting harassed or held up. The one thing that I do like about the job is the regulars. Of course we all know what being a regular at a liquor store means - however they are all nice, jovial and they tip really well. I'm getting some pretty entertaining stories out of the deal. People tend to be in extreme moods when they drink. They are exhausted, excited, depressed, stressed or any of the similar moods. Rarely are people "mellow" when they drink. Still I'm enjoying the odd characters that pop up and the strange states they seem to be in when they come in to see me.

Some examples:

Last night I was serenaded by a guy who had clearly had a few too many. You could nearly grab the cheap beer fumes as they emanated out of his mouth they were so thick. It was especially prevalent when he started singing "The dead skunk blues" a little ditty about a skunk being struck by a car on the highway and the resulting stench. He delivered it with full passion - eyes closed, air guitar just a strummin'. I executed a daring escape when he brought out his air harmonica and started spitting through his lips and stomping the floor. I asked him to leave when he called me gorgeous and tried to kiss my hand.

Two nights ago I, as I usually do, asked a guy how he was doing today. He looked up at me with watery eyes and said blankly, "My bird died. I'm just going to buy some beer and look at her." What do you even say to that? "Well if you're me you look dower and say, "I am sorry for your loss"

That's just two little things that have happened so far. I'm sure there'll be more coming. People are strange.

Techno Bras

Featured on Tokyo Mango this week is the Marriage Bra. Basically it's a massive piece of technology attached to a corset that counts down the days and hours and minutes to your wedding day. This is just a small piece of insanity that explains why I love the Japanese.

Personally I think it looks like she has a lacy bomb strapped to her chest - and this says more "Chastity Belt" than "Wedding". But to each their own right?

I'm excited. Are you excited?

We all know of my desperate love of movies that feaute bigger things that eat smaller things that run and scream - specifically human shaped things. That's why I am totally stoked for the new Asylum film "Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus" that's being released this summer. I know the clip has been making the rounds around the internet specifically because of two factors:

#1. It looks awful. Goddawful. Whole new levels of awful. So awfully absurd that it can't help but be hilariously awesome.

#2. It stars Deborah Gibson or as she was known before she got all hoity toity Debbie "Electric Youth" Gibson. I'm looking forward to seeing how much her years of music video training have influenced her meteoric rise as an actor.

Sit back and enjoy the mayhem.

A Brief Comment on the Halls Lozenge Company

I've been feeling a little bit messed up lately because of all the stress of living - at least that's what my doctor tells me. My doctor also tells me that I will feel significantly less messed up if I cut sugar out of my diet for a bit. Being the authority obeying drone that I am I have tried my darnedest to follow doctors orders. And then I got sick. Really sick. Like small unruly opossum living in my esophagus sick. Thank goodness our society is image conscious enough to provide me with a lozenge that is sugar free. Created by the Halls Lozenge Company - OXYGEN! The sugar-free lozenge. There was only one "Flavour" of this available to me - Ocean Blue.

Be incredulous if you will of the flavoring title, Ocean Blue is in fact an accurate nomer for this little item. I believe that the only way I can describe the flavour is through the awesome power of simile.

I don't know if you've ever swam (swum? swimmed?) in the ocean but the experience of sucking on an Ocean Blue Oxygen lozenge is akin to swimming at low tide when a freak wave takes you down. While below, you swallow about half a liter of low tide, rotten kelp infused water. The flavour also includes subtle notes of sewage and dollar Store "herbal" shampoo. Yum.

Long story short, I now pity Diabetics when they get colds.

When I am Queen Of the World

When I am Queen of the world the following songs will be striken from every Karaoke song book in the world.

- Paradise by the Dashboard Light
- I Will Survive
- American Pie (Any verison)
- Bohemian Rhapsody
- Stairway To Heaven
- Santoria
- Any song by Nickleback

It was a long night at the bar last night. 'Nuff said.

Iddli Update

Around this time last summer I posted my very popular Vegans love balls post where I first tried Iddli. For those of you who don't remember or are too lazy to read the article, Idlli is a steamed fermented lentil cake, which I previously reported tasted how it looked - like a soggy sugar cookie covered in maggots. I am pleased to report that I kowtowed to the will of Caleb and I have tried Iddli again. And yes ladies and gentleman....this time I liked it.

It may have been the fact that this time it wasn't made by a bunch of overexcited Bohemians. It may have been that it was accompanied by some of the most delicious curry I have ever had in my entire life. Long story short - Iddli. I am now all about it.

Sexy Scrabble

I don't know if you noticed, but I'm all about words. I like them. I like to play with them, I like the way they move, I like learning new ones - and thus I am an out Scrabble slut. I will play with anyone, any time anywhere. That's why I enjoy the Lexulous application on Facebook, specifically because I can play against a variety of people from all over the world. I may be a Scrabble Slut....but This guy has taken it to a whole new level.

Meet Shaun. With his long hair, perv goatee, and topless profile picture you would think all the ladies would want to get turned on by his sensual use of US English. I'm not totally sure how one would get hot off Scrabble playing. My friends and I tend to giggle when we put down dirty words - I've already admitted that we're 5. When I checked back an hour later Shaun's request was still up. Poor Shaun. No one wants to play pervy Scrabble. Thank god there's still some decency left in the world.

Immature Signage

As I mentioned yesterday my classmates and I just could not get enough laughs out of the fact that Oregon is "The Beaver State." Okay. I'm aware that we're 5. But there were other signs that made us giggle along the way. I thought I'd share.

- Chuckanut Drive

- Now Entering Nooksak

-Lava Butt Pass

- Dike Access Pass

You're Welcome.

We don't allow that here in Oregon

Graduation is a time of reflection. It is a time to look to the future and to reflect on the past. At least that's what the greeting cards tell me. I am sure that somewhere out there there is some one will sit down after grad and real THINK about what to do next. For the rest of the world - by which I mean my class - graduating means having a well-to-do classmate who has an amazing condo in the Oregon mountains that he will then road trip 8 of you to to spend a debaucherous week. That, my friends, is Graduation. I've been through the States a reasonable amount in my brief but eventful life, and it never ceases to amaze me that, although it does share some similarities with my Canadian homeland...IT IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT COUNTRY.

Aside from the fact that the booze is dangerously cheaper -My favorite bottle of wine was $10 in Oregon and in Canada it goes for $25 - people speak in strange and varied accents, you can get married at 18 but you can't drink champagne at your wedding, every state has an icon or mascot (Endless immature giggles were had over the fact that Oregon is "The Beaver State"). But most importantly there's a number of different laws and rules to obey that are just...well...odd.

For example - being on a road trip we often would have to stop for gas. In the first place in Oregon we stopped, Jackie the driver hopped out and went to the pump to start her gas purchase exchange. She was nearly tackled to the ground by a large man with sideburns to his chin and dark glasses. The exchange went thusly -

(Please read the following exchange imagining a colourful drawl on the part of the man)

Man: Let me get that mam'
Jackie: No No...It's fine, I've got it.
Man: (Ripping the pump out of her hand) No Mam' I'll do it for you.
Jackie: (Thinking this guy is being a little aggressive for a tip) Honestly, I don't mind.
Man: (Treating her as if she's stupid) Mam' It's against law. We don't allow that here in Oregon.
Jackie: It's illegal to pump my own gas?
Man: Yes Mam'.

Needless to say, "We don't allow that here in Oregon" became a catch phrase for the the rest of trip. We were so baffled by the phenomenon of not being able to pump our own gas we actually decided to ask why. The answer. Apparently Oregon had one of the highest unemployment rates in the country until their government passed a law that required a secondary person to pump your gas. An Actual Law!

And thus, everywhere we went we were greeted with smiling pump jockeys, eager to wash our windows, take our garbage, pump our gas, and cough meaningfully for a tip. It was weird.

Elephant in the room

Why do we have the phrase "an elephant in the room" to imply that there's something largely intrusive yet unspoken. Why don't we just say "there's a Piano in the room" because inevitably some idiot will attempt to play it and everyone else will be too embarrassed and awkward to say anything.